I Am a Work in Progress

Parenting is wonderful. Full of life and new experiences... and totally overwhelming. The massive responsibility you have to love, mold, and take care of your children can be daunting. No one can prepare you for parenthood. The good and bad, and the ups and downs, can't be understood until you personally carry that weight.

Parenting is also affirmation that we, the parents, are still a work in progress ourselves. Evidence of this can be found in our disproportionate reactions to what's actually happened (i.e. getting mad when our kids spill something, or don't keep their clothes clean), and having expectations that our kids won't ever live up to (kids won't ever fight, or won't push the boundaries). Our job is to respond lovingly when these things inevitably will happen, not expect unrealistically that our kids won't do them in first place. When we think and react like that, our character flaws are revealed, showing us that we don't have it all together. Be it anger, impatience, or hurtful words (which is based on how your kids receive what you say, not necessarily the words themselves) that spew from a given instance, it's US that has/is the issue because of what we project onto them, not always our kids for doing whatever brought us to that point.

I think we have some idea built into us that says as the parent we should have it all figured out, and we are to show our kids "perfection." How arrogant of us to think we are perfect enough to model perfection. I'm not negating the obvious importance and necessity of guiding your children in the practices of life that are only a parents responsibility (foundational principles of how to treat people, faith, morals etc.), but what I am saying is that no one is "finished" yet. Not even parents. We, too, are walking through our own learning experiences and are constantly being molded just like our kids are. We can guide and love our kids, as we ourselves are being guided, and show them that life is full of adventure and it doesn't stop just because you are an adult. If I'm not giving myself the space and permission to continue to figure out who I am, in this phase of my life, then how will I be able to give my children that same space in the phase of life they're in? We have to let our kids be who they are and test the limits, otherwise they won't ever learn right and wrong. Therefore, I have to be willing and ready to respond to, and look at each situation that my kids will bring about, as an opportunity to change MY character issues. Hopefully, over time that kind of reaction and attitude will translate to their lives as well. As time passes, I would hope to respond with more and more strength, wisdom, and love. It would be so nice if the world of parenting, and raising a family could be a pretty little package. But, it's not. We are all human, we all make mistakes, and we aren't complete. We are open ended, which brings new risks and new circumstances, constantly, for us to learn from.

All of this to say, parenting is refining. These are things I am learning and trying to put into practice by the unfailing patience and grace of God. Parenting brings out the best and the worst in us. I don't want to be blind to my shortcomings; I want to work through them. I don't have it all figured out, but that's ok. I'll learn on the road. What I desire for Layla and Cullen to know, even in the midst of my processing, is that my love for them is secure, they are safe (emotionally and physically), and they will be accepted and cherished for who they are no matter what. I want them to know that in moments where things are complicated, my adoration for them is still strong, and that when I am wrong and treat them poorly, I will admit my mistake and apologize for hurting them. The only way I can do that is if I, myself, accept that I need all those things from the one who created me, and that I am not "finished" yet.

So, here's to the imperfections in all areas of our lives, and to the journey of discovery through our failures and triumphs.

And Baby Cullen Makes 4

Our sweet baby boy made his debut on February 6th, 2010. Robert Cullen Cadriel was born at 11:02pm, weighing 7 pounds 15 ounces, and was 20 1/2 inches long. What a special and life changing day for our family.

I realize this update is coming almost two months after Cullen was born, but I still wanted to fill everyone in...

Cullen has been a wonderful addition to our life. From the second we saw his face, it was as if he had been with us all along. Now, I can't imagine not knowing him or having him be a part of our family. It's amazing how that happens in an instant. Having a son has been just as amazing of an experience for both Bobby and I as it is to have a daughter. Both relationships are so special and we are loving getting to experience both of them.

Cullen is growing fast and changing everyday. Babies only stay small for such a short time. His newest accomplishment: Smiling! Oh, to see that little face smile for the first time made my day :). I'm trying to take everything in and make sure I savor what I can of each phase. Can't wait to see what he accomplishes next!

He's just now giving us 5-7 hours of sleep at night. 7 is lucky, haha, but at least it's not every 3 hours anymore, which is really nice. Never do you appreciate sleep more than when you have a baby who finally gives you a small break! Since we are bottle feeding, Bobby has been a great help at night, so the tag teaming has made a significant difference in our amount of sleep.

Layla is great big sister! We have not had any jealousy issues or problems with her acting out (beyond the normal 2 year old stuff), thank goodness! Our biggest thing has been that she loves Cullen so much that she just wants to be around him all the time, and isn't always gentle. We are working on showing her how to love Cullen without sitting on him or rubbing her face in his, haha. She's doing amazing, though, with all of the changes.

Potty training is still in full force and Layla is getting better each day! She is no longer wearing diapers at night, and has managed to keep her bed dry more often than not. We are still working on #2, but she is leaps and bounds better and more willing than she's every been, so we're making big strides. Bobby and I are really proud of her. She's done an excellent job not regressing with all the changes that's happened in her life these past few months.

Layla will be starting preschool in the fall, two mornings a week, at Bellevue Christian Preschool. We are so excited that she is going to have something that is just hers, where she can grow, learn, and make friends. It's hard to believe she is old enough to be planning for this big step, but it's time, and she's ready. She is going to have an amazing experience.

As for Bobby and I, we are doing well. Going from one kid to two has been an adjustment and definitely requires more negotiating between he and I about who does what, when, but overall we're doing awesome. Bobby loves his job, and they are treating him very well there. I'm consistently grateful for how hard he works for our family and that he is in a place he enjoys. As for me, well, I'm trying to figure out what I want to be/do when I grow up. Being a mom is the most amazing accomplishment and I feel so blessed to have the privilege of being a mother of two, but I am still me, and still want to be growing and learning for myself. I don't know what that looks like yet, but I'm more open to new things than I've ever been.

Life is good and we love being a family of 4! Thanks for letting us share our life with you!

Here are a few pictures of Cullen's arrival...

February 6th is the big day!

Hi Everyone!

This is going be short and sweet, but I just wanted to let you all know that baby Cullen will be making his debut tomorrow!

My doctor's office called today and said that they have space for me at the hospital to induce tomorrow. We were very surprised, because there didn't seem like there was going to be much chance of that earlier this week. Due to a couple of schedule changes, we're in!

We'll post pictures and keep you updated! We are so excited that this day has finally come and can't wait to share it with you all.

Thank you for your love and prayers!

Waiting and Spontaneity... Not my thing.

Here is the Cullen update!

I couldn't be more ready to not be pregnant anymore. Is it time yet? :)

Today was a very successful doctor's appointment. I went in hoping to plan a date to induce, because that's what we did with Layla, and I got better news than that. My doctor told me since this is my second baby, she thought that my body would do the work on its own before any induction we would schedule. YES! I am 2cm dilated, and 75% effaced, so Cullen is up to something! She helped to speed up the process by "stripping the membranes," hoping to help my body kick into labor soon. As of right now, at 12:30 in the morning (why am I still awake?), I haven't felt any contractions, but am hoping that tomorrow is a different story!

As ready as I am, and we all are, for Cullen to be here, I do have to admit that I would love just a little more time to get my last ducks in a row. Everything is ready from washed clothes to clean bottles. I just need to run a few errands tomorrow, pack a bag for the hospital for me and Cullen, and then one for Layla so she's taken care of while Bobby and I are getting Cullen out! Then he can make his debut!

Certainly, I'm ecstatic at the thought of Cullen being here so soon, but the uncertainty of when just kills me. I know, I know, it's part of pregnancy, but it's hard for me to not have any clue when he'll be here, and oh the waiting!! It's grueling at times. Having a baby is a huge life change, so naturally, I'd love to know exactly when that change is going to happen, since I like things order, haha. The spontaneity of Cullen coming whenever he wants is sure teaching me a lesson in patience, and teaching me that there are just some things I can't plan.

This is such an exciting time in our family's life and I am so happy to be able to share this whole experience with you all. Bobby and I are looking forward to introducing our baby boy to everyone when he arrives! Hopefully soon!

36 weeks of Pregnancy = Please come out soon!

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season. January is in full swing, and life keeps moving. It's been awhile since an update, and we know a lot more about Cullen's progress, so I wanted to share what's going on!

I am now going to weekly doctor's appointments to check and see how soon it will be until Cullen is here. A few highlights of the last two appointments...

1) His head is down. Yes! He's getting ready to make his debut :).
2) The doctor says he will likely be a good sized baby, and that my belly is measuring a little big. I'm holding my breath that he isn't so huge that I don't have to have a c-section, though my doctor says she doesn't see that happening. I would absolutely do it in a heartbeat if I had to, but I'd prefer that be the last resort.
3) Because of his size, my doctor moved up the due date to February 8th. Very exciting! It means we get to see him sooner!

These last few weeks to me, is the most exciting part of pregnancy and the hardest. I love the anticipation and preparation, and it's also a huge challenge. These last few weeks drag on, and yet, I know he'll be here in a flash. In no time our life will be the best kind of different it can be. I'm doing what I can to get ready for the transition and all the joys and craziness it will bring.

Physically, this has been the hardest month. Truly, I have no complaints, because I am healthy, and have been blessed with two easy and smooth pregnancies. Being a little winded, light-headed after standing for too long, and not sleeping super well, pales in comparison to any kind of complication, so I am genuinely grateful. I will just be ready for my body to be my own again, and not be so physically demanded of. It comes with the territory, and I know that, but it doesn't take away the joy I feel in thinking about belts, pants that button, and tops I can zip :). FREEDOM!

Layla talks often about "baby Cullen" and Bobby and I can sense there is excitement for her in meeting her "baby sister" (as she calls Cullen). We laugh and try to tell her that SHE is actually the sister and that Cullen is her brother, but there's only so much you can explain; she'll probably just have to figure it out on her own, haha. And it won't take long! We are doing our best to prepare her for Cullen's arrival and are including her in whatever we can, so she knows she is still so important to us. I love talking to her about all the things she can help with and do with "baby Cullen." The other day she got very excited because she discovered they could watch movies together, so she grabbed some of her movies and held them up to my belly telling Cullen what movie it was then hugged my belly. It was one of the sweetest moments, and I really think she is going to love having a companion to play with and love.

As a mother, I never anticipated the guilt and grief I would feel with adding another child to our family. And though, it doesn't even come close to the excitement, there is this sense of loss to this part of our life. Of course, we've never wanted Layla to be an only child, but it's been more emotional than I had planned on it being. I, myself, wouldn't change having a brother for anything and am so glad that we grew up together, so I am confident that Layla will be just fine. I know right when I see Cullen, I will wonder how I ever lived without him, and that's what I'm holding onto. Bobby is just plain excited, which is great! Until I meet our little guy, I am enjoying the time I have with Layla and cherishing the little things with her.

The moment we know more, we'll update you! We can't wait to see Cullen's face and show him off to everyone! Until next time...


Pictures at 35 WEEKS

Christmas Festivites

Happy Holiday Season!

This time of year is so wonderful! Everything about the Christmas season is rich and meaningful. Our family is having lots of fun doing Christmas-y things, and celebrating all this time of the year brings.

Layla has an Advent Calendar that she has been opening a door to everyday. We are constantly amazed at how well she remembers what has been in the doors from days past, and is excited/full of anticipation each morning when she wakes up to see what is in "today's" door. She is definitely starting to understand Christmas more fully (mostly about the presents and sweets), and it has been an absolute delight to watch her enjoy the season.

I can only speak for Bobby and I, but Christmas has a whole different perspective and meaning when you have kids. And in the best way possible. There are few things that bring contentment like seeing your kid(s) be so joyful and happy during this time of year. Layla has such a sweet spirit, and is growing and understanding so much, that it has been amazing to see her love and understand a little bit more about Christmas, and see how her personality comes out in the things we've been doing.

We are now only between 8-10 weeks until Cullen gets here! I'm hoping he wants to come on the earlier end, or that I will be induced, because I am definitely feeling ready to be done being pregnant. It has been such an easy pregnancy, but I think any woman would agree that when you get closer and closer to the end, you are SO ready. I'm definitely there. He is a mover and is constantly kicking or rolling in my belly. It's really amazing. I am beyond excited to see Cullen's face and be able to hold and squeeze him! The really fun thing for me, is that I have so enjoyed experiencing Bobby's excitement in having a boy. He wanted a son so much this time around, that I couldn't be happier to be giving him one. I can't wait to see Bobby be a dad to a son.

Bobby, Layla, and I are looking forward to these next few months with so much to be excited about and get ready for. We are taking things one day at a time, and enjoying what each day brings.

Hopefully you and your loved ones are all enjoying this holiday season!



Our dancer






Layla by the little Christmas trees




All ready to cut the tree down




Layla and Bobby looking for the perfect tree




Us ♥




Bobby and me getting the tree




It was a busy day for Layla girl and time for a nap




Daddy showing Layla how the Advent Calendar works




Layla helping with the ornaments




Layla practicing being a big sister with the baby doll from Nana and Tata




Our silly girl getting ready to make some ornaments




Stir, stir, stir




Layla and Murphy are buddies




Let the sugar cookie making begin




Layla sure loves the cookie dough




Cookie cutter time




Layla had so much fun "painting" the cookies (as she says it)




Operation Cookie Making: Successful

28 Weeks and Counting!

Dear Baby Cullen~

We are overjoyed at the thought of getting to meet you and see your beautiful face for the first time. But, even more overjoyed that you are going to be a part of our family. You have already brought us so much excitement and joy, and we thank God for you already. We are looking forward to learning the ins and outs of your personality, the quirks that only you will possess, and experiencing the richness you are going to so clearly bring to us.

Stay healthy. Keep growing. And know that even though we haven't seen you yet, we love you more than words can say, and are counting down until you are here with us.

Love,
~Daddy, Mommy, and big sister Layla


Here are some "28 weeks along" pictures for you to see...