I Am a Work in Progress

Parenting is wonderful. Full of life and new experiences... and totally overwhelming. The massive responsibility you have to love, mold, and take care of your children can be daunting. No one can prepare you for parenthood. The good and bad, and the ups and downs, can't be understood until you personally carry that weight.

Parenting is also affirmation that we, the parents, are still a work in progress ourselves. Evidence of this can be found in our disproportionate reactions to what's actually happened (i.e. getting mad when our kids spill something, or don't keep their clothes clean), and having expectations that our kids won't ever live up to (kids won't ever fight, or won't push the boundaries). Our job is to respond lovingly when these things inevitably will happen, not expect unrealistically that our kids won't do them in first place. When we think and react like that, our character flaws are revealed, showing us that we don't have it all together. Be it anger, impatience, or hurtful words (which is based on how your kids receive what you say, not necessarily the words themselves) that spew from a given instance, it's US that has/is the issue because of what we project onto them, not always our kids for doing whatever brought us to that point.

I think we have some idea built into us that says as the parent we should have it all figured out, and we are to show our kids "perfection." How arrogant of us to think we are perfect enough to model perfection. I'm not negating the obvious importance and necessity of guiding your children in the practices of life that are only a parents responsibility (foundational principles of how to treat people, faith, morals etc.), but what I am saying is that no one is "finished" yet. Not even parents. We, too, are walking through our own learning experiences and are constantly being molded just like our kids are. We can guide and love our kids, as we ourselves are being guided, and show them that life is full of adventure and it doesn't stop just because you are an adult. If I'm not giving myself the space and permission to continue to figure out who I am, in this phase of my life, then how will I be able to give my children that same space in the phase of life they're in? We have to let our kids be who they are and test the limits, otherwise they won't ever learn right and wrong. Therefore, I have to be willing and ready to respond to, and look at each situation that my kids will bring about, as an opportunity to change MY character issues. Hopefully, over time that kind of reaction and attitude will translate to their lives as well. As time passes, I would hope to respond with more and more strength, wisdom, and love. It would be so nice if the world of parenting, and raising a family could be a pretty little package. But, it's not. We are all human, we all make mistakes, and we aren't complete. We are open ended, which brings new risks and new circumstances, constantly, for us to learn from.

All of this to say, parenting is refining. These are things I am learning and trying to put into practice by the unfailing patience and grace of God. Parenting brings out the best and the worst in us. I don't want to be blind to my shortcomings; I want to work through them. I don't have it all figured out, but that's ok. I'll learn on the road. What I desire for Layla and Cullen to know, even in the midst of my processing, is that my love for them is secure, they are safe (emotionally and physically), and they will be accepted and cherished for who they are no matter what. I want them to know that in moments where things are complicated, my adoration for them is still strong, and that when I am wrong and treat them poorly, I will admit my mistake and apologize for hurting them. The only way I can do that is if I, myself, accept that I need all those things from the one who created me, and that I am not "finished" yet.

So, here's to the imperfections in all areas of our lives, and to the journey of discovery through our failures and triumphs.